Chapter Four


Shampoo’s Epiphany

Shampoo had to eat something. Anything. Right now.

She rummaged her fridge furiously. Beer…beer…more beer. I swear we have gotta stop inviting those frat guys over. Clearly, Min didn’t go to the store today. And she was pretty upset about that fact. Damnit, I need food. She opened the freezer above and found her salvation.


A lone pint of Cherry’s Garcia by Ben & Jerry.


Shampoo whipped out a spoon and stabbed at the pint. Crash. Oops. Next time, remove the cover. She tossed the newly stabbed plastic cover of the Ben and Jerry’s pint and started to dig into the creamy goodness of the ice cream. The sensations of warm vanilla, smooth chocolate and tart cherry mixed in her tongue.

Shampoo finished the whole pint in seconds. She looked at the side of the carton wondering what something so heavenly could be made from. A bunch of chemicals and 305 calories. Aiyah! Gotta hit the gym!

She just wanted to forget the whole day. The Women’s Studies experience was very embarrassing. And she could have sworn that the “lesbo group” was checking her out. She just wanted to wash the whole day away because she was feeling so miserable about her whole predicament.

She played her answering machine. Hey, it’s John. The monotonic Asian voice replied. I gotta work late again so can we move our date to next week? Sure, asshole.

Shampoo wanted to hit something. Being in the United States meant she couldn’t be as violent as usual, lest being dragged away by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. She missed fighting with Ukyo over Ranma. She even that missed that bitch Akane. She missed tearing down the dojo chasing Ranma Saotome.

No. Stop thinking about Ranma. She was already too ashamed to return to China husband-less. The day that Ranma and Akane got married, she accepted her admission into University of California, Berkeley as a culinary arts major. She had gotten past that chapter in her life. Now she was an American citizen with a double major in Asian American Studies. She was an all American girl, a sorority woman. So what do American women do when they need to feel better?


I’m going to masturbate!


Her roommate accidentally left a copy of Playgirl sitting on the table. Ryan Philippe in the Buff. Shampoo looked at the picture of the diehard blonde star. He had deep brown eyes, and kissable lips. She placed her hands down her pants. Then she opened the centerfold. And Ryan Philippe’s humongous penis* greeted her. It stuck out like a knife blade. Shampoo freaked out and closed the magazine. I’m supposed to be turned on by that?!

She tossed the magazine away feeling like she was going to throw up. If there was one thing she couldn’t stand looking at anymore was penis. She had seen so many guys’ penises. And they all looked very disgusting. Mousse, Ryoga, Ranma…Ranma also had the smallest. She chuckled to herself. It looked like a worm.

Shampoo snickered. Ranma and his worm. Akane got the short end of the stick. Literally.

She started thumbing through Cosmopolitan. She stared a little bit at the cover. Ella McPherson, a beautiful blonde bombshell who probably had men begging at her doorstep. With that skimpy sundress, they probably would be. Shampoo looked a little bit closer. She could see an imprint of Ella’s nipples straining to burst free through the transparent dress. I wonder if more guys read this magazine than girls. Ella was dreadfully beautiful. Her long, curly locks draped down her frail body like a wedding train. Her blue eyes staring longingly at Shampoo’s purple ones. Her soft red lips seductively separated to bear a coy come-hither smile.

Shampoo closed her eyes and touched Ella’s face. The sensation of the cold page upon her hand brought chills up her spine. The soft smooth page almost felt animated like skin. Shampoo’s heart started to race. Her hands became sweaty. Her thighs starting to feel a little wet….

Her hand was still down her pants.

“Ai Yah!” Shampoo screamed and flung the magazine with all her might toward the wall. She looked at the poster that fell on the floor and kneeled down to pick it up. Her heart still racing.

Why am I thinking this? I no like girls. Do I?

Some Notes:
*I don’t know how big Ryan Philippe’s penis is. Heck, I don’t even like Ryan Philippe. But I do know a lot of girls who watched Cruel Intentions and wake up fantasizing about him. (ahem, Karen)

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